Waar komt dat lastige gedrag toch vandaan?

Kinderen laten met lastig gedrag vaak zien dat er iets in het systeem opgelost mag worden. Vooral als het gedrag “onverklaarbaar” is.Door de hulpvraag systemisch te onderzoeken, wordt helder wat er zich afspeelt “in de onderstroom”. Daar zitten de dynamieken die (soms al generaties lang) het gedrag van mensen sturen. Enkele wetmatigheden van het systeem die we nagaan zijn: • Staat iedereen op zijn eigen plek? • Draagt iedereen zijn eigen last?Een kind hoort vóór zijn ouders te staan en op zijn eigen plek in de kinderrij op volgorde van geboorte.Een kind dat niet op zijn eigen plek staat, staat bijvoorbeeld:• Op de plek van een ouder• Tussen ouders in• Boven de ouders• Op de plek van een (overleden) broer of zusWie niet op zijn eigen plek staat, ervaart een leegte die zich niet laat vullen. Je blijft onverzadigbaar, behoeftig en bent een bodemloze put. Ook een moeder is een dochter en kan tussen of boven háár ouders zijn gaan staan om daar te helpen. Haar eigen kind zal het (onbewust) altijd voelen als moeder niet op haar eigen plek staat en daardoor behoeftig is. Kinderen willen uit loyaliteit naar de ouders toe niets liever dan dat het goed gaat, zelfs als dit ten koste van henzelf gaat. Het kind probeert, door voor moeder te zorgen, háár leegte te vullen. Het laat met lastig of opvallend gedrag zien wat het probleem is en van wie. Het kind draagt (onbewust) iets van de ouder en heeft daar last van. Deze leegte vullen kan echter alleen via het innerlijke proces van moeder zelf, door aan te kijken en te erkennen wat aangekeken dient te worden. Zodra moeder weer op haar eigen plek gaat staan, gericht naar haar eigen leven, wordt de behoeftigheid opgeheven en kan het kind vrij zijn en zijn eigen leven leiden, zonder zorg te dragen voor zijn moeder. Als ouder erkennen wat er systemisch gebeurt en op je eigen plek gaan staan is een voorwaarde om de rust en ruimte voor je kind te creëren dat het nodig heeft om vanuit ontspanning in zijn eigen kracht te staan en zijn eigen leven te leiden zonder de last van een ander te dragen, door “last-ig” gedrag….

220 reacties

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