Het is eigenlijk niet te doen

“Eigenlijk is het niet te doen” verzucht een moeder halverwege ons gesprek. “Het is knap dat we het nog volhouden.”

Boosheid

Het is haar reflectie op alles wat we daarvoor besproken hebben. De boosheid van hun zoon, het geschreeuw, de agressie, de constante vraag om aandacht en het overal op reageren. Om moedeloos van te worden.

Ze ziet ook de gevoeligheid die er achter schuilgaat. Want aan de andere kant is er de spijt, het berouw en het verdriet. Door het constante “aan staan” is er heel weinig nodig om in woede uit te barsten.

Onmacht

Een kind dat boos is, schreeuwt de pijn eruit. Uit pure onmacht. Het weet even geen andere manier om de teleurstelling, verdriet, angst of eenzaamheid het hoofd te bieden. Boze kinderen willen gehoord, gezien en erkend worden in hun weerstand en pijn.

Erkenning is een basisbehoefte van ieder mens. We willen ertoe doen. Dat geldt net zo goed voor kinderen. Zij willen serieus genomen worden in hun behoeften, hun verlangens, hun zorgen.

Wat kun je doen?

Verplaats je voor minder boze buien en een soepeler contact eens in de positie van je kind.
Probeer te begrijpen wat hij ervaart. Laat merken dat je het ziet en begrijpt. Benoem wat je ziet. Of zeg juist even niets en ben er gewoon. Je kind erkennen in zijn gevoel werkt alleen als het je echt lukt je in zijn standpunt te verplaatsen.
Je hoeft het niet eens te zijn of hetzelfde te voelen, ben gewoon nieuwsgierig. Hoe is het voor hem (of haar)? Bied (nog) geen oplossingen. Geef eerst ruimte voor emoties en de gevoelens van je kind. Zorg dat het gehoord wordt. Welk verlangen zit er onder de boosheid?
Vaak kan je kind daarna ook weer horen wat jij zegt.

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