Afscheid nemen is een drama

“Ik zie er steeds meer tegenop om hem weg te brengen naar school of zwemles bijvoorbeeld.” Deze moeder vertelt hoe het afscheid nemen van haar zoontje regelmatig een drama is en eerder erger lijkt te worden dan beter.

“Ik weet dat hij het naar zijn zin heeft op school, want hij is altijd vrolijk als ik hem ophaal en dan heeft hij een fijne dag gehad, zegt hij. Ook de juf merkt tijdens de dag niks bijzonders aan hem.”

Ik vraag moeder hoe het afscheid nemen voor haar is. “Mijn hart breekt elke keer weer als hij zo verdrietig is. Bovendien begint hij nu vaak ’s avonds al te jammeren dat hij niet naar school wil, of naar de zwemles dus.”

Kinderen die het moeilijk vinden om afscheid te nemen en ook in andere situaties steeds “aan mama hangen”, doen dit onbewust doorgaans om hun moeder te helpen. Want kinderen willen niets liever dan dat het hun ouders goed gaat, zelfs als dat ten koste gaat van henzelf. Het kind voelt feilloos aan wanneer een ouder “behoeftig” is.

Ik vraag moeder even haar ogen te sluiten en te voelen waar haar eigen moeder is. Ze kan haar niet vinden. “En je oma?” Die staat schuin achter haar. En dan ziet ze: “Oh, mijn moeder staat daar ook.” Haar moeder lijkt geheel op haar oma gericht. Ineens rollen de tranen over haar wangen, “ik had zo graag een betere band met mijn moeder willen hebben, maar ik had nooit het gevoel dat ik haar dingen kon vertellen.”

De behoefte aan verbinding van moeder wordt feilloos gevoeld door haar zoontje. Hij probeert onbewust het ‘tekort’ aan te vullen. Door heel aanhankelijk te worden probeert hij de behoefte van de moeder aan verbinding te vervullen.

Na de eerste sessie weet moeder al meer rust en ruimte tussen haar en haar zoon te brengen, wat direct resulteert in een blijer kind dat na een knuffel van mama zonder drama naar school gaat. In de tweede sessie lossen we bij moeder het gevoel achter het missen van verbinding op, wat haar nog meer rust en vertrouwen oplevert. Door moeder weer krachtig op haar eigen plek te zetten, hoeft het kind moeder niet meer te ‘helpen’.

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